I'm Phonin', and I Can't Hang Up

Never before in my life have I spent so much time with a telephone, without actually talking to anyone.

I remember when I finally broke down about three years ago and got a cell phone. I had held out as long as I could, but the convenience and safety aspects finally convinced me -- not to mention the rudeness and general incompetance of the land-line phone company. So I signed a contract and picked up one of those basic Motorola phones. It didn't do much, but I didn't WANT it to -- all I wanted was a telephone. I was amazed that I could make it ring different ways.

Then when that finally broke, I got a new Siemens cellphone with a COLOR DISPLAY. I could CHANGE THE PICTURES AND THE RINGERS. Boy, did I feel advanced.

What a piece of crap. I was back in the phone store within a year needing yet another replacement. The lady talked me into getting this little black Nokia camera-phone: "It takes pictures, and plays the radio, and has video games, and if you opt for the extended plan, you can get text feeds from the internet, and..."

Me: "Can I use it to make and receive phone calls?"

Her: "Well, yeah, it does that too."

Me: "Fine."

This thing has more buttons than the space shuttle, and for the first couple of months, I've been afraid to push any of them. But then I decided that I wasn't going to be intimidated by my own telephone, so I started playing around. I discovered the camera. I discovered the games. Holy shit! I can set my OWN PICTURES on the screen! I can download REAL SONGS!! I can make my OWN RECORDINGS FOR RINGTONES!! I can...I can...hey, what's this? "My Album"? "My Journal"??? I discovered the FREAKIN' INTERNET ON MY PHONE.

I can upload MY PICTURES to a 25m space in my online phone account (which I didn't know existed until a week ago) which has a photo album and a blog. I can get my whole photo album from my phone, as long as I'm in range. I can send my drawings and other graphics to my phone via email, and then email myself back from the phone to tell myself what I thought of them.

All I wanted was a telephone. Now I hope no one's trying to call me, since that would interrupt my phone time.