A View from Malkuth

I'm Phonin', and I Can't Hang Up

2006-09-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

Never before in my life have I spent so much time with a telephone, without actually talking to anyone.

I remember when I finally broke down about three years ago and got a cell phone. I had held out as long as I could, but the convenience and safety aspects finally convinced me -- not to mention the rudeness and general incompetance of the land-line phone company. So I signed a contract and picked up one of those basic Motorola phones. It didn't do much, but I didn't WANT it to -- all I wanted was a telephone. I was amazed that I could make it ring different ways.

Then when that finally broke, I got a new Siemens cellphone with a COLOR DISPLAY. I could CHANGE THE PICTURES AND THE RINGERS. Boy, did I feel advanced.

What a piece of crap. I was back in the phone store within a year needing yet another replacement. The lady talked me into getting this little black Nokia camera-phone: "It takes pictures, and plays the radio, and has video games, and if you opt for the extended plan, you can get text feeds from the internet, and..."

Me: "Can I use it to make and receive phone calls?"

Her: "Well, yeah, it does that too."

Me: "Fine."

This thing has more buttons than the space shuttle, and for the first couple of months, I've been afraid to push any of them. But then I decided that I wasn't going to be intimidated by my own telephone, so I started playing around. I discovered the camera. I discovered the games. Holy shit! I can set my OWN PICTURES on the screen! I can download REAL SONGS!! I can make my OWN RECORDINGS FOR RINGTONES!! I can...I can...hey, what's this? "My Album"? "My Journal"??? I discovered the FREAKIN' INTERNET ON MY PHONE.

I can upload MY PICTURES to a 25m space in my online phone account (which I didn't know existed until a week ago) which has a photo album and a blog. I can get my whole photo album from my phone, as long as I'm in range. I can send my drawings and other graphics to my phone via email, and then email myself back from the phone to tell myself what I thought of them.

All I wanted was a telephone. Now I hope no one's trying to call me, since that would interrupt my phone time.

No Whining

2006-09-03T05:09:00.000-05:00

Nope, not from me lately, not at all. The Universe handed me the very thing I'd been asking for.

A little griping, though, about a totally unrelated topic. What happened to Michigan drivers? When did they all attend California driving school? Knock it off!

It's this whole "entitlement" movement. If you're around my age, you may remember a little jingle they used to play during the after-school shows (or maybe it was on Sesame Street; I don't remember.) Kids singing: "The most im-por-tant person in the whole wide world is YOU..." and so forth. Well, apparantly a lot of people actually believed that bullshit. The only problem is that we can't ALL be the most important person in the whole wide world, so something's gotta give.

It's first thing in the morning, and I'm having trouble stringing a coherent thought together, much less a public blog entry. I can't wait to read this later and see just what I put up here for the whole world to look at. (Then again, I'm the most important person in it, so I can do as I please. Maybe I'll go for a drive.)

ACK!

2006-08-12T20:27:00.000-05:00

Some people are actually READING this! (Hello, MySpace visitors!) Just figured I'd throw this post up (huuuwaaaaahhhhhggghh...ewww, gross) so that my most recent entry wouldn't be that wanky pout-fest below. Not that I'm gonna delete it, since it stil applies.

Today's Good Thing: I have tomorrow off!

As long as I'm at it...

2006-08-03T11:35:00.000-05:00

It's my blog and I can get away with a LITTLE griping, right? I'm doing far better, attitude-wise, than some of the other blogs out there. So here goes.

Where the hell are all my friends with comments? I read and comment on their blogs all the time (unless, of course, they specifically requested that I not do so). Mine remains empty of Preiteratian merriment. Everyone thinks I'm terrific as long as I'm making THEM look good and feel important. Where's MY support system? Fuck you guys. You're not reading this anyway.

Present company excluded. Thanks for being here, gang.

/whining

Weather

2006-08-03T11:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's waaaay too damned hot, and we'll all probably die soon of global warming conditions...but that's not what I want to talk about. This weather -- the hot, sticky summer weather, drives me crazy. Especially at night. I feel like I should be sneaking out of the house, being reeeeeal quiet so Mom doesn't wake up, and go out to meet Sonya on the corner by the Dairy Queen. Todd and Drew will be by to pick us up. The four of us will then proceed to find some old drunk to buy us beer, and we'll all go (minus the old drunk) on an Airport Run and be out until 2 or 3 in the morning. It's much harder to sneak back in than it is to sneak out, because drunk people have a little problem with grace and dexterity.

But I'm 37 now, and I don't need to sneak out, and I can buy my own beer. Not that I drink it anymore -- it's no fun now that I can have it legally.

Also, I want a cigarette, but I am no longer immortal and can't have those anymore, either.

Crap.

Marginally Political Post

2006-06-27T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today, I read in the paper that...

"(US Senate) members voted 49 to 48 against ending debate on the motion to proceed to a full Senate vote on the Marriage Protection Amendment."

Which means, if I'm not mistaken, that they must have discussed voting on whether they should continue discussing the fact that they should have a discussion about someone's idea that maybe they should make a decision about this issue, and in the end, they decided to discuss it.

And that's why I don't get all excited about politics. Though it's funnier than most sit-coms, quantum physics makes more sense.

Besides, we all know who's behind it.

A Mighty Battle

2006-06-19T16:17:00.000-05:00

What is up with all these giant, nasty black houseflies this year? I don't remember seeing so many before. These aren't your normal houseflies, oh, no...these are twice as big and have a definite attitude problem. (Evidenced by the fact that they insist on coming into my house.)

At least they're slow.

Today I walked into the bathroom and saw one such monstrosity lounging right on my clean sink. So I grabbed the hair spray and was able to give him a quick coating of sticky stuff before he could fly away. He flew up, then landed in the little decorative dish with the pretty rocks and the little fishy-shaped soaps. I sprayed him again. Little fucker. How dare he not die when I want him to die? I picked up the dish and banged it on the sink once or twice (breaking the bottom, I think). Eventually he fell out and dashed behind the faucet fixtures. I sprayed, he changed sides. I swiped at him with a cloth, he ran back and forth, hiding first behind the hot water faucet, then the cold. I sprayed, he ran, I swatted, he hid.

Finally he made a wrong move, and found himself out in the open. Swat! Swat! Swat! I got him! Ha! But he wasn't dead -- he was only PLAYING dead. See, I know that, because I gave one of his filthy little friends just such a swat the other day, and found him standing right back up an hour later.

This time, I shoved him down the drain and ran the water! That'll teach him! Die! Die! DIE in the SEWER where
you belong, you

foul THING!!

So, how was YOUR day?

At least it's not just me!

2006-06-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

Ha! Today I spent some time browsing through strangers' blogs, reading about their lives, and am pleased to discover that I am not the ONLY one who whines and wanks online! Imagine that! In fact, from what I've read, it's either whining and wanking, or endless pictures of spoiled children, or a series of simpering minute-by-minute update about the tender joys of being pregnant. Yak.

Foreign language blogs don't count, since I can't figure out if they're wanking or not.

There was even a blog devoted to the horrors experienced by a former employee of a particular retail store...when he had the job, that is...five years ago. Let it GO, man.

So! I do not feel like such a loser when I complain about my life here online where the teeming masses can read it. If what I read today is any indication, why, it seems the WHOLE WORLD has a terrible dearth of sob stories, and we brave bloggers are doing our best to fill it!

Therefore, I am pleased to announce that TODAY I WENT TO THE DELI HOPING TO GET A ROTISSIERE-ROASTED CHICKEN PANINI SANDWICH, AND THEY DIDN'T FUCKING HAVE ANY. FUCKERS!! What is this world coming to?! Is this America, or not? Don't I have the constitutional RIGHT to a rotissierie-roasted chicken panini sandwich whenever I damn well want one? And you know what else? Last time I went in there for a rotissierie-roasted chicken panini sandwich, THEY WERE OUT OF THEM THEN, TOO!!!

Can you believe this?! I work HARD for my money! I want to CONTRIBUTE to the Capitalist agenda! But how CAN I contribute, when my attempts to participate in the consumer dream are so consistently thwarted?

Hot damn. We the People don't have to stand for this. I'm going to start a rev-o-frickin'-lution.

They're just lucky that there were eggrolls.

Cookie!!!

2006-06-12T14:14:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to get any of my online bloggy-profile things to re-set correctly. Whatever. I'm sure there are worse problems than whether or not everyone knows what my favorite movies are.

So, how does one tell if another person is gay, or is simply not interested? I met this really interesting, attractive guy, and I'd like to know which type of futile crush to develop.

I'd also like to know why all my crushes seem to be futile. But I promised myself I would try to stop whining so much where other people are going to read it.

A GOOD THING THAT HAPPENED TODAY: I got a cookie!!!

Happy Satan Day

2006-06-06T15:16:00.000-05:00

In observance of 6-6-6, I'll post this half-baked realization to which I came the other day, when I was, as usual, busy giving myself ulcers over existential bullshit and whether or not my ideas are "right" or not.

-- If there's nothing, then it doesn't matter how much I worry about it. (But it does, because nothing = everything, &c...that's not what I want to write about right now.)

-- If I'm "right", then it's all okay.

-- If I'm "wrong", then someone else is in charge of reality and will decide what happens to me (if anything).

Now, regarding this "someone else":

I don't get a say in their decisions, except for that I could brownnose and acquiesce to their version of reality, giving up my own and myself.
-or-
I could rebel, knowing full well that it's pointless and painful.

"Everything we do is futile, but we must do it anyway." -- Ghandi

So -- if I'm "wrong", then it seems we have two choices:
Be rewarded for giving up ourselves, or be punished for rebelliousness.

But which is the reward? Which is the punishment?

Neither sounds very good, does it?

I'll just assume that I'm "right".
_______________________________
Hey, by the way, if history is written by winners, how do we know who really won the "War in Heaven"?!

"Why, it says so right here in the Bible -- oh."

Uh-huh.

The best way to have a conspiracy is to do it right out in the open.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA!!!!!!

And if you don't be nice to me, I'm tellin' my Father -- AND my Grandfather!!!

Whine, whine, whine

2006-06-04T06:12:00.000-05:00

I hate Preiteratia. Not everything about it, but enough. I'm sick of it, I really am. No, I'll stick it out, I know I have to. But I don't understand why it has to be so damned unpleasant. Again, not everything about it, but enough. I understand and appreciate its importance, but it's like a never-ending trip to the dentist. (Without nitrous.) You try to make the best of it, but the nicest thing you can expect after awhile is maybe a free new toothbrush.

One learns to expect disappointment so that it doesn't hurt so damned much every time. But it does anyway. What kind of existence is that?! Is someone doing this on purpose?! Is this a joke? Am I on Candid Camera?!

Today I will attempt to define exactly what it is about it that's so disagreeable, but the main problem seems to be that it's not right. No matter what you try or how much hope you have, it's just not enough to get things to work out.

Or is it just me?

I'll probably feel different later, but for now, I just thought I'd let everyone know that this SUCKS.

Oh, Look

2006-04-17T20:25:00.000-05:00

The photos I posted below are gone. Never mind, I know what I did -- wasn't thinkin' about that when I went all Spring-Cleaning Crazy with my webspace. Oops. Guess you'll just have to go to my website and figure it out for yourselves.

Because I know there are just so many people reading this.

While we're on the topic of just who's reading what, I want to post this link: because Miss Manners is just that cool. I wish that the President would appoint her to his cabinet. Hell, I wish Miss Manners was the President.

Please, in the Name of All that is Sacred

2006-03-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

STOP PUTTING SOUNDTRACKS ON WEBPAGES!!!

I don't WANT to hear your favorite song, because, chances are, I'm already playing MINE. I love music, but even I cannot listen to two songs at once.

And if I'm not listening to music (and sometimes even if I am), and YOUR song starts out-of-the-blue when I'm not expecting it, it makes me jump three feet out of my chair and then I scramble to close whatever's making all the damned noise, which usually means that I just exit out of your page, so I never get to read or see the other things you've worked so hard to put up there. I certainly don't buy any products you might be selling.

Music on a webpage does not set a viewing-experience-enhancing "mood". The only mood it sets is a bad one on the part of the viewer. Tell ya what: you give me a link to the song you want me to hear, and I promise I'll go listen to it WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. Maybe.

Thank you.

[Places stoppers in ears; resumes surfing]

There Can Be Only One

2006-02-28T17:15:00.000-05:00

From reading the headlines on the ads placed by about a thousand men on the Yahoo Personals site, I have learned that there is only one "Nice Guy" left in the whole world.

And every one of them assumes that he's it.

Fear of Rejection

2006-02-24T06:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, so not only can I not find anyone to go out with (yes, I have done the asking myself), but I can't even place a damned personals ad on Yahoo. I spent two hours playing around on Yahoo Personals yesterday, and this is what I get today...

1. "Your intro or description was not accepted because it contains personal contact information."

Here is the "intro" I submitted. Please tell me where the personal contact information is in here:

"I like: philosophy, art, music, literature, science, metaphysics, horror movies (I loved the zombies waaay before they were cool), conspiracy theories, comic books, RPGs and my computer.
I do not like: the mindless drivel that passes as popular entertainment, most bars or clubs, plagiarists, walks on the beach, liars, users, sports ('cept rasslin', which is hil-AR-ious), ILLETRITE PPL WHO CANT BOTHER 2 SPELL R PUNCTUTATE N TYP IN ALL CAPS CUZ THEY THINK IT DONT MATTER LONG AS THERE LOUD, or "date movies".
I would like to be treated like a lady, therefore, I'm waiting for a gentleman. Preferably one who knows how to put on his own eyeliner. (Remember the 80s? Remember how the guys would spend as much time on their appearance as the girls? THAT. I want THAT again. Once more, with substance!)"

I don't see an email address or a phone number in there, do you?

Moving on...

2. Your primary photo replacement is rejected because it is too generic.

This is the primary photo I wanted.

This is generic? Geez, what's a girl gotta do to get noticed?

3. The photo 2 contains nudity, obscenity, violence.
The photo 4 contains nudity, obscenity, violence

Photo 2:

Photo 4:

Hmm...Okay. Maybe I'll give 'em that one. My hearty apologies; I didn't realize that Yahoo Personals Ads are only for the nice people. Wouldn't want to let anyone in there with an imagination or anything, would we? No! A hobby such as monster make-up is violent!

Thank God that Yahoo Personals has fully-qualified censors! They'll make sure that all self-expression is kept to a minimum, so that good folks aren't exposed to rabble and riff-raff such as myself.

Christ. Never mind. The Universe is telling me something; I think I'll just stick with my "dream date".

A Symptom

2005-12-22T15:27:00.000-05:00

Look at this page. In particular, read the comments below it.

I've got nothing to say one way or another about the body modification in question. I don't care. Not my body.

But I do have something to say about the mean-spirited, nasty comments that others felt compelled to make about it.

The good thing about the Internet is that everyone gets a voice. The bad thing about the Internet is that everyone gets a voice. Okay, so you don't appreciate the body modification -- that's your opinion, and you've every right to it.

But these people are talking about punching the girl in the face because they don't like her taste in fashion! Do they think that's funny? Do they think they're being cool? They're making really rude guesses about the psychological reasons for getting something like that -- they don't even know her. They're just finding a reason to be mean. And the misogynystic threats... My god. If that's what's really going through so many peoples' minds, I'm never leaving my house again. I don't want to be anywhere near that kind of energy.

Where is all this anger coming from? It's not just the girl's body art. If those people were happier with themselves and their own lives, they wouldn't be bothered by what she does with hers. (Or, for that matter, by my blue hair.) Why are so many people so agitated? Why do they feel the need to insult people they don't even know? Why is the first impulse to attack, to demean, to bring down, to hurt? Why do they go looking for targets? What do you gain from acting that way? What nasty sickness is festering at the core of our society? Is this relatively new, or has it always been there?

They say that there's something wrong with the girl for doing that to her body...but I think there's something far more disturbing going on with anyone who feels the need to lash out the way they do.

If I Should Die Before I Wake...

2005-12-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

I want this story read at my funeral.

Oh, go on, it's not that long.

This is the long one, and should be handed out in booklet form to those attending, as a sort of a guidebook.

Oh, Hell

2005-11-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

First Todd wrote this.

Then Drew wrote this.

I'm just keeping the circle going -- the Commentary of the Triumverate must not be broken.

Not All Bad

2005-10-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

The sky is the most incredible shade of blue today.

I QUIT!!!

2005-09-29T21:14:00.000-05:00

Smoking, that is!

Yep -- haven't had one in 3 1/2 days! Not since Monday morning.

Hooray!

I want a cigarette!

No I don't!

Yes I do!

No I don't!

And on and so forth, for the rest of my life.

When I get to the afterlife, the very second thing I'm going to do is to have a cigarette. The very first thing I'm going to do involves a particular zombie, and is none of your damned business.

Wish List?! You Wanna Wish List?!!

2005-09-22T12:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, here's my list of utterly selfish demands:

1. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money.

Sure, I know -- money isn't everything. But what it does do is buy TIME. If I didn't have to work for someone else to pay the bills, I'd have enough time to devote to the things I love to do. Money also buys peace of mind. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE IT IS PUTTING AN INDEPENDENT TV SHOW TOGETHER? Especially when no one else in the group ever has any money?

I know how lucky I am. Believe me, I do -- I watch what goes on in the world, and I'm thankful that my life is, so far, relatively trouble-free. I watch my friends going through a variety of woes (financial and otherwise), and I'm sorry for them, but relieved for myself, because I've managed to keep my life fairly calm so that kind of thing doesn't happen to me (I hope). But I'm a-rackin' up the debts pretty fast here, trying to get these projects off the ground. When I get in a private snit, I start to wonder if the rest of the team just expects me to come up with the cash all the time, since I've mostly been the one doing it so far. I don't mind spending the time on it, since it's what I love doing in the first place. But I could sure use a monetary donation now and then.

Blah. There, that's it -- now I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my day.

Well, No Damn WONDER

2005-09-17T03:01:00.000-05:00

Here I sit -- just woke up for the day. Got my tea, got my smoke, got the computer turned on for my daily half-hour jaunt through the internet before I go to work. My eyes are so heavy...I know I'm not getting enough sleep. But why am I SO tired this morning?

Then I glance at the computer clock.

Aww -- naw, man...no way.

It's four in the damn morning. When I wake up, I always just figure it's time to get up.

Screw this. I'm goin' back to bed.

My Doctor Told Me to Get More Exercise

2005-09-13T02:09:00.000-05:00

He did. He said that if I got more exercise, then my aches and pains would go away. So I began exercising. I've been doing it since March. My aches and pains have NOT gone away -- in fact, I now have lots of NEW ones to keep the old ones company.

In the other world, I do not have constant aches and pains. Or an impinged nerve. Or carpal tunnel. Or bad skin. Or dizzy spells. Or anxiety disorder, and all of its wonderful co-morbid companions.

I don't usually complain about it that much, since I know there's not a thing that can be done (short of some horrific operations and/or drugs that I refuse to take). But it's been acting up nonstop for the past week, and I am damned sick and tired of it, and I don't want to bother my friends with these futile complaints, so if you're still reading this, you've got only yourself to blame. Ha.

Mornin'

2005-09-11T05:50:00.000-05:00

All right...6:00 am. Alarms off -- check. Tea -- check. Cigarette -- check. Computer on -- check, and it works today. Nothing like starting the day off with a few small successes.

I wish the Weather Channel site would put its stories in text form. I don't feel like watching videos right now, but you can't get the weather news there without cranking up the media player.

And can you believe it? September 10th here in West Michigan, and it's STILL 90 degrees. The leaves are starting to turn, and its STILL 90 degrees. That's enough, already. Summer was hot enough. It is autumn now. Stop it.

On a lighter note, I got a whopping seven hours of sleep just now. A vast improvement over the five I got last night, and the four of the night before.

Tea is good.

There, I'm done for now.